CONSUMER TERMS OF SERVICE AGREEMENT
Issued by: The Collective
Applicable Party: Apple Inc. and its associated billing services
Effective Date: Immediately upon Apple’s continued enjoyment of my money, attention, loyalty, and remarkably patient patronage.
Dear Apple,
First, congratulations. You have built one of the most sophisticated technology ecosystems in human history. Truly. The engineering is remarkable, the devices are beautiful, and your ability to make several thousand dollars’ worth of electronics feel incomplete without another nine-dollar-and-ninety-nine-cent subscription is nothing short of inspirational.
Bless your hearts. Because Apple has thoughtfully provided Terms and Conditions governing nearly every conceivable aspect of my relationship with Apple, I believe reciprocity is appropriate.
Accordingly, these are my Consumer Terms of Service.
SECTION ONE — MONEY IS STILL MINE UNTIL YOU HAVE IT
Authorization for a recurring subscription shall not be interpreted by me as unlimited enthusiasm for Apple repeatedly attempting to retrieve money from my account following an unsuccessful transaction.
If a recurring payment fails, I respectfully request something revolutionary: Ask me. A simple notification reading, “This payment previously failed. Would you like to authorize another attempt?” would suffice. I recognize this may involve the unprecedented technological achievement of displaying two buttons. I have tremendous faith in Apple’s engineering department.
SECTION TWO — DECLINED MEANS WE NEED TO TALK
When a transaction is declined, the appropriate response should not be the financial equivalent of checking my refrigerator every fifteen minutes to see whether groceries have magically appeared. A declined transaction should trigger notification, disclosure, and an opportunity for authorization before subsequent collection attempts. My bank account is not a waiting room.
SECTION THREE — CONSENT SHOULD HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE
Apple understandably appreciates consent. Your devices ask whether applications may access my camera, microphone, photographs, location, contacts, Bluetooth devices, local network, and approximately seventeen other things before allowing an app to locate a nearby light bulb. Excellent. I therefore propose extending this admirable enthusiasm for consent to money. Permission granted during a subscription enrollment should not become an eternal financial hall pass.
SECTION FOUR — NOTIFICATIONS
Apple has successfully developed technology capable of informing me that someone liked a photograph from six years ago, that my screen time increased twelve percent, and that I should probably stand up. remain confident that this same infrastructure possesses the computational capacity to inform me: “Hey. We’re about to try that payment again.”
SECTION FIVE — MUTUAL RESPECT
Apple expects its customers to comply with its Terms of Service.
Fair enough. Consumers should likewise be able to expect transparency concerning when money will be withdrawn from their accounts. This is not an objection to subscriptions. It is not an objection to automatic renewal. It is an objection to treating an authorization made previously as perpetual permission to retry an unsuccessful transaction at some later point without meaningful contemporaneous notice or choice.
SECTION SIX — THE SOUTHERN COURTESY CLAUSE
None of this should be interpreted as hostility.
Where I come from, when somebody reaches for something belonging to somebody else, we generally ask first.
We might even say please.
Apple is worth trillions of dollars. I believe y’all can afford manners.
SECTION SEVEN — ACCEPTANCE
Apple may accept these Consumer Terms by improving its billing practices, providing meaningful notification before retrying failed recurring transactions, or simply acknowledging that consumers deserve more control over when money leaves their accounts. Should Apple decline these terms, I reserve the ancient and sacred consumer right to look across the fence at others and wonder what they’re doin’ over there. No hard feelings.Business is business. After all, Apple taught us that ecosystems encourage customer loyalty. I’m simply reminding Apple that customers ultimately choose which ecosystem gets watered.
Respectfully,
A Consumer Who Read the Fine Print and Decided It Needed Competition
